i grew up thinking one always had to do things one didn't like

now, unless i don't feel the souldeath, i don't feel like i am doing anything

that is probably why i didn't follow up on my processing work or dopewars or galcon idea in 2010(11?)

 this combined with performance-factor ensured i never did anything when anyone was around who wasn't fully bought into my idea and vision   

one giant block is my refusal to open my brain to java , so i refuse to take the 2-3 steps needed to do something in java that takes 1 step in any other language, and then i remain ignorant of that thing at all, like it's not there in my map only

i grew up being told what to do

now i'm grown up there's no one telling me anything